Mad Woke Daily

Elon Musk has once again doubled down on his grand plan to save humanity by colonizing Mars. A dusty, barren wasteland that makes the Sahara look like a tropical paradise. Even though Earth already boasts thousands of square miles of desert, Musk seems convinced that a planet with little to no water sources, no breathable air, and temperatures colder than an Antarctic winter is humanity’s ticket out of earthly woes. Never mind that Mars is a frozen rock where even a cactus would pack its bags and leave—apparently, this is the future Musk envisions for our species.

At a recent virtual conference on Mars research, Musk laid out his vision, saying, “We need to colonize Mars to ensure humanity’s survival—it’s the next big leap for space exploration, and my Starship will make regular round trips to ferry people and supplies.”

Meanwhile, fans are eating it up, with self-proclaimed Elon fanboy Chad Brockton, 29, gushing to our Mad Woke Daily reporters. When we arrived, Chad invited us to sit down in his mom’s basement apartment, shoving aside a pile of empty Monster cans and a crusty pizza box to make room. “Elon’s a genius!” he exclaimed. “Mars is our backup plan—Earth’s a mess, and he’s gonna save us all with his Starships, bro!” Chad hasn’t seemed to notice that Mars lacks the one thing even his mom’s basement has: a tap for water.

The irony of fleeing to a waterless Mars while Earth’s deserts—like the 3.5 million-square-mile Sahara—sit ignored for eco-colonies eludes Musk and his devotees. Mad Woke Daily can’t help but wonder if this “save humanity” plan ends with all of us sipping freeze-dried coffee on a Martian rock— or searching the Mojave for a new home.