Mad Woke Daily

A storm is brewing in Washington as President Trump announced the JFK files will be released, 61 years after the assassination.

Mad Woke Daily reporters have been informed that the 80,000 plus pages will be heavily redacted, making the public about as pleased with this reveal as we were with the Epstein binders.

Speaking of Epstein, in a twist of events, Donald Trump also revealed that the Epstein files will be released in the same fashion the JFK files were—when everyone who remotely cares is either dead or so old they can’t even tell their dentures from their hearing aids. Mad Woke Daily caught up with Trump live after a Mar-a-Lago press conference, where he bragged, “We’re dropping the JFK files tomorrow, folks—it’s gonna be huge, the best reveal ever! The Epstein files? We’ll get to those once every last survivor is basically dead, keep the suspense going—beautiful!” At the same press conference, Trump told the crowd, “About those Epstein files—We’ll drop them when society shrugs off snatching and killing kids just like we now shrug off inner-city shootouts. Murder was a big deal 60 years ago, now it’s par for the course!”

The crowd ate it up, but the irony was sharper than a (supposed) Dallas sniper’s aim. Historians have long pointed to declassified hints of the CIA’s hand in JFK’s death, from Oswald’s shady connections to agency ops, making this release a 60-year snooze fest. Meanwhile, Epstein’s guest list—think Hollywood A-listers, chart-topping music artists, and Capitol Hill bigwigs—remains under lock and key, a truth bomb we’ll only get when the last of todays power players are pushing daisies.

Experts are rolling their eyes at Trump’s timing, noting the JFK conspiracy has been public knowledge for decades. Mad Woke Daily caught up with with retired CIA agent Harold “Graybeard” Thompson, 92, who chuckled through a wheeze from his Florida nursing home. “The agency did a great job kicking the can down the road on this one,” Thompson rasped, adjusting his oxygen mask. “We kept the JFK truth buried until everyone who cared either died or got too old to fight back—genius move, if you ask me!”

While the Epstein delay feels like a sick joke—waiting until every implicated mogul is dust before spilling the beans. Mad Woke Daily can’t help but wonder if this will end with Trump waving a faded memo—or if we’ll be in nursing homes sipping Ensure when the Epstein files finally name names.