Mad Woke Daily

A fresh wave of chaos has slammed into the U.S. economy after former President Donald Trump rolled out his latest round of tariffs, this time choking Canada with a 25% levy on all imports… sorry, eh! The stock market has gone into a nosedive, with the Dow shedding over 1,300 points in just two days, leaving Wall Street traders sobbing into their overpriced oat milk lattes. Everyday folks are feeling the pinch as prices for everything from groceries to gas skyrocket—and now morning cereal costs more than a front-row seat at a Taylor Swift concert. Economists are warning that these costs are getting passed straight to consumers, making daily life a nightmare and threatening to collapse society as we know it.

Trump, in his classic larger-than-life style, insists this trade war is the golden ticket to America’s future. Speaking at a glitzy Mar-a-Lago event, he laid out his vision while sipping a Diet Coke through a gold-plated straw. Mad Woke Daily sat down with the president to get the scoop. “It’s gonna be huge, folks, believe me,” Trump boasted, gesturing wildly with his tiny hands. “Strangling Canada, starting this trade war—it’s the best thing I’ve ever done, maybe ever in history! We’re talking glorious, amazing, fantastic, YUGE results. The economy’s gonna boom like you’ve never seen—better than the Roaring Twenties, better than anything. Canada’s been ripping us off for years with their moose and hockey nonsense, but now we’re taking it all back. It’s gonna be a golden age, the best age, I guarantee it!” Right after his speech, Trump spotted a poor guy in a tattered coat begging for change outside the venue, sneered with pure disgust, and muttered, “Loser—should’ve bought my NFT trading cards when he had the chance!”

Meanwhile, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, who recently came out as gay on a glitter-dusted TikTok live, had a fabulous meltdown over the tariffs. “Oh honey, Trump’s tariffs are, like, totally ruining my vibe!” Trudeau sobbed, adjusting his rainbow maple leaf sash. “I just got my nails done in Toronto, and now I can’t even afford my weekly drag brunch—how am I supposed to work it like a boss bitch when I’m broke?!”

The reality on the ground tells a different story, with the tariffs jacking up costs for everyday goods and leaving folks struggling to make ends meet.

Mad Woke Daily hit the streets to see what the average American thinks of Trump’s big plan. We caught up with Bubba Ray Jenkins, 47, a self-proclaimed Trump supporter living in a trailer park with his six kids. Bubba was all smiles despite his dire situation. “Trump says it’s gonna be great, so it’s gonna be great!” Bubba declared, adjusting his MAGA hat over his unwashed hair. “I ain’t got a job, and these tariffs are making my groceries cost an arm and a leg, but I trust Trump! He’s making America the best ever, and I know me and my kids are gonna be living the high life soon—‘cause Trump said so! It’s gonna be huge, just you wait!” Bubba then offered us a sip of his “luxury” dinner—a can of expired Spam he fished out of a dumpster, proudly calling it “Trump’s finest hour.”

Financial experts are scratching their heads, pointing out that the tariffs are already causing mayhem, with consumer prices spiking and the market in freefall. Some are whispering that this could be the final straw for an already shaky economy. Mad Woke Daily can’t help but wonder if this “golden age” will bring riches—or just more misery for the little guy.