Mad Woke Daily

In a twist that’s leaving conservatives and conspiracy corners of the internet dumbfounded, a bombshell investigation into Joe Biden’s trusty autopen shows it also churned out identical diary entries for the entire Biden clan, from Ashley, to the family dog.

The machine was first believed to have signed a jaw-dropping 237 executive orders, bills, and official documents during his presidency, but we are finding out now that it was possibly much more.

The scandal erupted when the Heritage Foundation’s Oversight Project, already fuming over Biden’s mechanical signature on everything from pardons to FAA funding bills, stumbled onto a cache of eerily similar handwritten accounts detailing Joe’s “overly affectionate” habits. Now, the MAGA crowd is losing it, claiming the autopen’s reach exposes a family-wide cover-up of Biden’s notorious “hands-on” tendencies.

The story kicked off with Ashley Biden’s diary, which she confirmed as authentic in a 2024 letter to a judge during the trial of Aimee Harris. In one entry from 2019, when Ashley was 38, she wrote about being “hyper-sexualized at a young age” and recalled “showers w/ my dad (probably not appropriate).” She also mused about past trauma, including a line about “was I molested? I think so. I can’t remember specifics but I do remember trauma.”

The entries alone raised eyebrows, but the bombshell dropped when investigators found matching accounts, penned in the same robotic script, across the entire Biden family tree. Jill, Hunter, his late brother Beau, assorted nieces, nephews, cousins, and even Commander, the Biden German Shepherd, had diaries with the exact same wording: “Showers w/ Joe (probably not appropriate)” and “Trauma. I think so.”

The investigation initially focused on Biden’s autopen signing 237 official documents, but when they cracked open a dusty Delaware attic, they found a custom-made autopen machine humming along, surrounded by stacks of diaries.

We at Mad Woke Daily scored exclusive interviews with family members who all endured the same ordeal. “Yeah, Joe’s so notorious for his ‘hugs that linger’ that we all got together and rigged up this autopen,” said an unnamed Biden cousin, speaking from behind a screen in a dimly lit diner. “It started with Ashley’s diary, but then Hunter’s laptop crashed from typing the same story, Jill’s journal got repetitive, and even the kids down the family line were like, ‘Yep, same deal.’ We figured, why write it ourselves when the autopen could just crank out countless pages of the same story?”

We sat down with Ashley. “What I experienced? I think half of Delaware’s got a version of that story,” Ashley told Mad Woke Daily, adjusting her sunglasses with a wry smirk. “Dad’s got those paws, always sniffing hair, squeezing shoulders, splashing around. I wrote it down once, and next thing I know, the autopen’s spitting out my diary for the whole state.”

When we tracked down Commander at a D.C. dog park, the grizzled German Shepherd didn’t mince barks. “Woof,” he said, staring into the distance as our reporter held up a diary page reading, “Showers w/ Joe. Paws everywhere.” “Woof woof,” he added, tail drooping, before chasing a squirrel, presumably to escape the memories of Biden’s sudsy reign of terror. Our team was too shattered to press Commander further, and one reporter broke down sobbing over his pain.

Conservatives are infuriated, and the story is more wild than Joe’s wandering hands: most are now howling that Biden’s machine not only ran the White House but also documented a family-wide epidemic of “too-close encounters.”

As the scandal gets deeper, the real question is: was it Joe, the autopen, or something darker pulling the strings all along? Stay tuned to Mad Woke Daily as the story continues to unfold.